Hocus-Feb99

The Milwaukee Area T.I. User Group Newsletter
********* February 1999 **********

(okay, still bear with us, this is only our second try at it)

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Club Officers
------------------
President Ted Zychowicz tedzychowicz@juno.com 414-453-1034
Vice-President Jonathon Johnson johnsonn@milwaukee.tec.wi.us
Treasurer Denis Dann denisd@execpc.com
414-545-5933
Newsletter Gene Hitz genehitz@juno.com
414-535-0133
Geneve Tim Tesch ttesch@execpc.com
MAUG Web page http://members.tripod.com/~genehitz/maug.html

Mailing address 4122 N. Glenway, Wauwatosa, WI 53222-1116

Main MAUG meeting 3rd Saturdays - noon til 4PM
Mayfair Community Room, Mayfair Shopping Center, North Avenue & Hwy 100

PC Hocus meeting (PC SIG) 3rd Thursday - 7PM til 10PM
Franklin State Bank, 7000 South 76st Street

Annual dues now only $5.00

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Index:

(01) TALK-BACK - Letters to the Editor
(02) Microsoft vs. The Feds ... an editorial
(03) Asgard Calendar Maker Y2K problem
(04) January 4, 2000
(05) Jim Peterson Achievement Awards Addendum
(06) Acronyms
(07) "Badtimes" Virus Warning!
(08) Lost & Found Department - Where in the world is Don Waldon?
(09) Ghoughtteightteau - What does it spell?
(10) Fraud Warning! WARNING! PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY!
(11) The list/description of the System99 cards by Michael Becker
(12) Sign In a Computer Room - ALLES LOOKENSPEEPERS
(13) INTERNET SITES AND SUBJECTS
(14) Computer Quotes and Trivia
(15) Puzzle Column
(16) Coming up next month .....

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(01) TALK-BACK
Letters to the Editor

What's a good newsletter without a "letters to the editor" column??
We invite all our readers to write in their opinions, ideas, and
suggestions.
We'll start it off with an editorial to byte your teeth into ......
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(02) Microsoft vs. The Feds

... an editorial

How do you feel? Should the government come down hard on Microsoft and
why? Will they ever really crack down on them?

To be perfectly honest I doubt whether they'll really do much to them.
The whole case, whether they should be allowed to incorporate their
Internet Explorer into their operating system, is a farce. Microsoft
certainly should be allowed to do so. Is Microsoft a monopoly?
Definitely! No question about it. Are they taking advantage of it? You
bet!
Just a few years ago, prices for PC computers ranged from about $2,000 to
$10,000. Now you can buy a really decent system for around $500 and
top-of-range computers are $2000 to $3000. That's the guts of the system,
the whole manufactured hardware ball of wax plus the installed operating
system and assorted software, and yet when you try to go out and buy the
software, the prices, actually just the cost of the salaries of a bunch
of programmers sitting around eating pizzas and drinking cokes and
dreamimg up new options to add, has not only soared but riddled with bugs
necessitates regular annual expensive updates. It looks like in several
more years, they'll be giving away the computers free just for the cost
of the software. That's where the cost of the monopoly comes in.
The big problem is, the government should have gotten after Microsoft
years ago, when they first started their monopolistic practices, when
they forced out competitors by way of swarms of illegal practices. Now
they've grown so big they're bigger than the government. There's no way
they can sufficiently legally punish them to compare with what they've
done, no way they can make it up to the companies they've ruined. Their
products have never been the best available, they innovated very little.
They simply bought out some little company in the field they wanted to
take over and used their monopolistic powers to force out all
competitors.

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(03) Asgard Calendar Maker Y2K problem


Just finished dealing with one of the very rare Year 2000 problems that
may
bother the TI owners. In Asgards's old program Calendar Maker, there's a
change that needs to be made in the program file CREATE (Extended Basic).
If
this one change isn't made, the program will put only 28 days in February
2000.
Problem is in line 910 of CREATE, which has the following:
IF (Y=2000)+(Y=1600)<0 THEN 940
Change this to:
IF (Y=1600)<0 THEN 940
With this one change made, the Asgard Calendar Maker will put the
correct
number of days (29) in February 2000, and will make a correct calandar
from
there on into the next century. Thanks go out to David H. Caine, of
Crewe,
Cheshire, England for bringing this problem to light so I could correct
it.

Bruce Harrison
Rottencat1@aol.com
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(04) January 4, 2000


Dear Valued Employee:
Re: Vacation Pay

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation
time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware,
employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay
in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for
every 5 years of service.

Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office
and your next pay check will reflect payment of
$8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for
the past 1,200 months.

Sincerely,

Automated Payroll Processing

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(05) Jim Peterson Achievement Awards Addendum


ADDITIONAL CALL FOR 1999 JIM PETERSON
ACHIEVEMENT AWARD NOMINATIONS

Since there have been comments about not being aware of the nomination
cutoff date for the Jim Peterson Achievement Awards, nominations have
been reopened and additional nominations will be accepted until midnight
(USA
Eastern Standard Time), February 15, 1999.

Therefore, elections for the Jim Peterson Achievement Awards have been
suspended until February 16, 1999. Feel free to recast your vote(s) if
you have already cast your vote for the nominees Jim Peterson Achievement
Award categories prior to February 16.

Here is the present list of nominees for the Jim Peterson Achievement
Awards. Please review and submit your request(s) for additions and/or
corrections.

Community Service:
Rich Polivka ....................... TI Web Page
MICROpendium ................... TI Magazine
SW99UG ............................. FW98 - Lubbock, Texas

TI-99/4A Software:
Bruce Harrison .................... Midi for the Super AMS
John Bull ........................... Contract Bridge

TI-99/4A Hardware:
System 99 user-group
(SNUG) ............................... High Speed GPL card
Michael Becker .................... SCSI board modifications
Don O'Neil .......................... On going SCSI work
David Neiters ..................... Authored SCSI DSR

Myarc, Geneve 9640:
Tim Tesch .......................... Enhanced the 9640 OS
Don O'Neil ......................... Geneve SCSI development
Mike Maksimik .................. SCSI coding for the Geneve

Note: Elections will start February 16 and conclude at midnight (USA
Eastern Standard Time), April 15, 1999. Votes received after the
deadline will not be counted.

Jim Peterson Achievement Awards will be presented at TIMUG'99
in Brookpark, Ohio (May 15, 1999).

Before Feb. 16, submit nominations and/or corrections to:
Between Feb. 16 and Midnight, April 15, 1999, submit votes to:
Glenn Bernasek
13246 Harper Road
Strongsville, OH 44136
USA
E-mail: GBBasics@aol.com

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(06) Acronyms


WINDOWS Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

MICROSOFT Most Intelligent Customers Realize
Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

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(07) "Badtimes" Virus Warning!


I don't usually forward virus warnings because they're usually hoaxes
but this one looks pretty dangerous, so a word to the wise....

IF YOU RECEIVE AN EMAIL ENTITLED "Badtimes",
DELETE IT IMMEDIATELY!
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO OPEN OR READ IT.
This one is EXTREMELY DANGEROUS.

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will
also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your
VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you
attempt to play.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all
your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.

It will reprogram your phone autodial to call only your
mother-in-law's number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

It will drink all your beer.

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting
company.

It's radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton
fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine,
all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and
billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way
that is fun until someone loses an eye.

It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinnitus.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs
to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which
grossly change the interpretation of key sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows 95 environment,
it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged
in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses
and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.

It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it
to smell like the B.O. of that gross person nobody liked in high
school.

It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.


These are just a few signs of infection.

FORWARD THIS URGENT INFORMATION TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW IMMEDIATELY!!!

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(08) Lost & Found Department
... Where in the world is Don Waldon??


Boy, it's real nice getting newsletters from other groups. That way we
can keep track of things going on in other places ... or right here in
Milwaukee?!?

In the Classic 99 newsletter from the Hoosier Users Group in
Indianapolis, Indiana, Dan Eicher writes a real good review of the
Chicago T.I. Fair that he attended.... and follows it up with (let me
quote from the article)

"After the fair Jeff and I stayed over in Chicago, we got up early and
headed to the great north, in search of Don Waldon and Tim Tesch. We had
just a sketchy idea of where we were going, but we found them (thank
goodness Wisconsin isn't as populated as Indiana!)

(editor's note .... population of Indianapolis 476,258 -- population of
Milwaukee 741,324 population of Indianapolis metropolitan area
806,900 -- population of Milwaukee metropolitan area 1,240,700)

First stop was the home and business of Don Waldon. To say Don was
surprised to see Jeff and me on his door step is an understatement! After
his initial shock was over, we had a really good talk, he took us in to
see Cecure (see pictures). He has more TI equipment than I ever thought
existed! I think he has one of everything for every active TI'er. It is a
major loss for both Don and the TI community that he doesn't have the
time to get things going and out the door. Don could use the money and
the community could use the products. After our meeting with Don was
over, we were on our way to Port Washington, home of Tim Tesch. Port
Washington is a beautiful city on the edge of Lake Michigan. The downtown
looks like it should be on a postcard! Once again, with luck and
perseverance we found the home of Tim, who was equally as surprised to
see us! By this time it was about two in the afternoon, Tim was asleep
but his mother was very obliging as far as getting him up and out of bed.
Tim explained he was going to the fair and wanted to, but he had just put
in so many hours and days at work he was exhausted (sometimes seven days
a week straight for weeks on end, twelve and fourteen hour days), it is
amazing that he has time for what he does do for the community. Tim has
now achieved his Novel certification. We spoke with Tim for some time
then, headed back home."

Included with the article were pictures of Don, Tim, and Tim's test
bench, with the note,
"If you have had a Geneve or Myarc repaired in the last two or three
years, chances are your equipment has been on this table!"

Then from the Southwest Ninety-niners Newsletter:
"News from Cecure: The business is tied up in a messy divorce. Looks like
the official TI repair depot is dead."

So I guess to find out what's doing right here in Milwaukee, we have to
consult other user groups around the country. As is mentioned above, Tim
is awfully busy but still manages to attend about 50% of our group
meetings. Don, however, has been pretty scarce the past two years, just
showing up for our summer picnic and Christmas party in '97 but absent
the entire '98 year. Glad to see he's still around. I guess if we want to
see him we'll have to send a caravan out to his home in Muskego.


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(09) Ghoughtteightteau - What does it spell?


Potato.

"gh" stands for "p" as you see in the last letters of
"hiccough";
"ough" for "o", as in "dough";
"tt" stands for "t," as in "gazette";
"eigh" stands for "a" as in "neighbor";
"tt" stands for "t," as in "gazette";
and "eau" stands for "o" as in "beau."

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(10) Fraud Warning!


WARNING! PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY!
THIS IS SERIOUS!


If you get an envelope from a company called the
Internal Revenue Service," DO NOT OPEN IT!
This group operates a scam around this time
every year. Their letter claims that you owe
them money, which they will take and use to pay
for the operation of essential functions of the
United States government. This is untrue! The
money the IRS collects is used to fund various
other corporations which depend on subsidies
to stay in business.


This organization has ties to another shady outfit
called the Social Security Administration, who
claim to take money from your regular
paychecks and save it for your retirement. In
truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the
same misguided corporate welfare the IRS
helps mastermind.


These scam artists have bilked honest,
hard working Americans out of billions of
dollars. Don't be among them!


FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!

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(11) The list/description of the System99 cards

by Michael Becker


1990 (!):
BwG = "Bester wo gibt" (german idiom, means "best available", but the
real name
was "Becker/winter/Glaab"-Controller. DS/DD-Controller like a
CORCOMP/ATRONIC
with WD1773 and Real-time-clock (MM58274)
--> will be made as a third batch in 1999 (up to 30 pieces!)

1994
EVPC = Enhanced Video Prozessor-card for the box, 80 column-card with
V9938 and
6 or 8bit Color-Palette from a VGA-system ('176/'178-compatible).
--> 4 cards available, can be made in 1999 (up to 20 pieces)

1995
HSGPL = High-Speed-GPL-card, supports all 16banks for modules
(Review-module-library), has two additional RAM/GRAM-banks (maybe mapped
as
Bank0 and 1). All Banks and the DSR is made with FLASH-Memory
(in-system-programmable with special programs/DSRloader). Supports
MBX-modules
(with the special MB-banking!) and has 4-ROM-Banking for ROM-6!
--> available!

1996
SGCPU = second generation CPU, the TI99/4 in the BOX, also called TI99/4P
(for
"P"eri-Box). has TMS9900-CPU, ROM-0, ROM-4 (a DSR on-board) and up to
1MEG-AMS-RAM on-board, all in 16bit-widt! The Keyboard-interface supports

MF2-keyboards IBM-style with mode-3.
--> a few available.
NOTE: EVPC and HSGPL maybe used stand-alone with TI-console, or in
compination.
But the SGCPU needs both, the EVPC for Video-output and the HSGPL as the
"module-port"!

1997
ASCSI = Advanced SCSI-card, lizensed clone of WHT-card, made with a big
PLD,
FLASH-memory-DSR and a second SCSI-conector in Apple-style (D-25).
Termination-power is fused. Now (in 1998) upgraded to ASCSI2 (not
SCSI-2!) for
P-DMA-mode or blockmode-DMA.

1998
HRD16 = Highspeed-RAM-DSR. Banked DSR-card in 8 or 16bit (16bit only with

SGCPU). up to 3MB-RAM, battery-backed-up. Maybe configured as a banked
DSR or as
a RamDisk. Very save and very fast in 16bit! 6K of ROM are fixed, 2K are
banked.
So you can emulate (If you own a legal ROS!!! Not sold with the card!) a
Horizon-card, with a very stable Backup-circuitry.
Because the cards uses a special Power-supply and backup, you can remove
the
regulator if you want to use the cards with a PC-power-supply and
regulated
voltages in the P-BOX, no problem!
Made with a MACH-chip, a PLD and suported by the DSR-scanner. BTW: all
snug-cards starting from 1997 have CRU-identification and are supported
by
DSR-scanner and/or DSRloader.
--> available

1999
SPVMC = Speech-and-voice-memory-card. Includes a TMS5220-Synthesizer, up
to 512K
of Speech-memory and upt to 512K DSR. All made with FLASH-EPROM and
supported by our DSR-loader. it is a Speech-synthesizer for the box, with
all the words
inside and with a lot of words, taken from other (never released)
speech-memories from a TI-disk, included. Supported by our
memory-manager.
--> coming soon! Schematic is finished, layout in progress.

This will become the last TI-card for the box, it is allready filled!
(I will make a TGCPU if I can find enough TMS9995's)

I will then make HEXBUS-devices, because I have so much HEXBUS-chips in
stock.
I plan to make HEXBUS-interfaces for the TI-console (I do not know if
Sidecard-version or Box-card), Video-Interfaces (with TMS9129-VDP) and
Disk-Controllers DS/DD (320K) for TI99/5, TI99/8 and CC-40.

Michael Becker
system 99 user-group
Mannheim, Germany

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(12) Subject: Sign In a Computer Room


ALLES LOOKENSPEEPERS

Das computenmachine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und
mittengrabben. Is easy schnappen der springwerk,
blownfusen, und poppenoorken mit spittzensparken. Ist
nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen.

Das rubbernecken signtseeren keepen hands in das
pockets--relaxen und watch das blinkenlights.

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(13) INTERNET SITES AND SUBJECTS


SPAMMERS SCAM. The page at
http://www.glenns.org/cgi-bin/nph-ftpgrab is intended to
prove that spammers can scam your email address without
your knowledge. Go there to see if you're safe.

WORLD'S SMALLEST POLITICAL QUIZ at
http://www.self-gov.org/quiz.html asks you to answer just
10 questions on personal and economic issues. It then
identifies your political philosophy and where you fit on
the political map; that is, whether you lean toward
liberal, conservative, authoritarian, libertarian, or
centrist. There is, unfortunately, no identification for
"none of the above."

The Cool Tricks and Trinkets Newsletter, weekly,
subscribe on the website,http://www.tricksandtrinkets.com

BotSpot Free Monthly Newsletter, monthly, subscribe
mailto:join-botspot.com/newsletter/ ; website
http://www.botspot.com/newsletter/

The Mouthpiece (the funny side of the web,) weekly,
subscribe on the website
http://www.be-ahead.com/mouthpiece.html

HUMOR --

Kitty's Daily Mews, daily, subscribe on the website,
http://www.katscratch.com/subscribe.html

Litter Box Mews, daily, subscribe
mailto:litterbox@katscratch.com
(adult content)

AllWorld's Joke of the Day, daily, subscribe
mailto:GetJokes@allworld.net , website
http://www.allworld.net (adult content)

CircleJoke, daily (weekdays), subscribe
mailto:circlejoke-request@userhome.com with SUBSCRIBE in
body of message; website http://www.paul.rice.net (adult content)

SOFTWARE --

Woody's OFFICE Watch, weekly, subscribe
mailto:wow@wopr.com , website http://www.wopr.com/wow/

Woody's WINDOWS Watch, bimonthly, subscribe
mailto:www.wopr.com , website http://www.wopr.com/www

HOME --

Bizy Moms, weekly, subscribe
mailto:bizymoms@oaknetpub.com with SUBSCRIBE in body of
email. Website http://www.bizymoms.com

FOOD --

World Wide Recipes, daily, subscribe
mailto:wwrecipes-on@mail-list.com ; website
http://www.wwrecipes.com

BUSINESS/MARKETING/RETAILING --

BizSuccess Breakthroughs, weekly, subscribe
mailto:subscribe@bizsuccess.com ; website
http://www.BizSuccess.com/newsletter.htm

E-Tailer's Digest, 3 times weekly, subscribe on the
website http://www.gapent.com/etailer/

Advertising Success Ezine, weekly, subscribe
mailto:success@mail.telepac.pt?Subject=Subscribe website
http://www.praia.com/news/

MISCELLANEOUS --

The Celebrity Cafe, interviews with celebrities,
actors, authors, writers, musicians, etc., monthly.
Subscribe mailto:dominick@c-cafe.com , website
http://www.c-cafe.com

Inscriptions, writing and publishing, weekly, subscribe
mailto:Inscriptions-subscribe@onelist.com , website
http://come.to/Inscriptions

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(14) Computer Quotes and Trivia

--------------------------

Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Computers are not intelligent; they only think they are.

My software never has bugs; it just develops random features.

Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"

As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.

E Pluribus Modem

Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny

A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.

An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.

CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.

11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's PowerMac G3.

24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?

Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

Windows: Just another pain in the glass.

SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .

Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?

Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.

RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.

Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...

All computers wait at the same speed.

Press CTRL>-ALT>-DEL> to continue ...

Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.

Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981

Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=3DOFF to your CONFIG.SYS

Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.

Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?

Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

Read my chips: No new upgrades!

Hit any user to continue.

2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!

I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!

Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?

Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup

Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic

(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?

(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?

If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming
must be process of putting them in.

Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.

Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with
inanimate objects.

Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write,
it should be hard to understand.

Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers.

Relax, its only ONES and ZEROS!

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(15) Puzzle Column (Feb '99)

We plan on featuring a new puzzle each month

A well known saying fits each of the following strange situations. The
saying could be an adage, a famous line from a story or play, or
something
colloquial. The saying often fits the situation only by using homonyms,
homophones, synonyms, or by warping the original meaning of the saying.
Rank yourself with the scale below. Have fun!

Number Correct Adage Aptitude
0-2 Low
3-5 Average
6-8 Above Average
9-11 High
12-14 Superb
15-17 Genius
18-20 Adage Einstein



1. A man finds a bucket full of shining pyrite and exclaims "I'm rich
beyond my wildest dreams!"

2. You had a sale on a popular video game at your software store: $45
until 7/25. A man shows up on 7/26 wanting to purchase the game, but he
has only $44.

3. An overzealous preacher walks into a bookstore and pulls a book on
famous paintings off of the shelf. The front of the book shows a painting
of nude men and women, although there are no nude paintings shown
elsewhere in the book. He screams "Aha - You are selling pornography! I
will burn this book and have you closed down!"

4. A woman finds that her watch is broken. It is a very modern watch and
is strangely enough made of cloth. It will cost almost $10 to have the
watch repaired, or she could have her boyfriend sew the
watch so that it will again function.

5. A teenager is 'getting down' with his girlfriend at a dance hall. He
has done the Mambo, Watusi, Lambada, Waltz, and Fox-trot to name a few.
He
is preparing to do yet another dance, but his dance partner curtly
informs
him that this particular dance will require a him to pay a $2 fee.

6. Ann puts on a thick leather glove and chases a bee that has gotten
into
her house. When she skillfully catches it, her boyfriend hugs her, and
says "in this light, your eye is gorgeous."

7. Norm is playing fetch with his dog Easy. He calls the dog to him, then
throws a stick for the dog to fetch. Norm calls the dog to him again,
throws the stick, and so on.

8. A deaf man awakens one day to find that his hearing has returned. The
next day he leaves town on vacation to celebrate this miraculous
occurrence.

9. Several students at Harvord High School are writing essays of exactly
1,000 words for a contest. The winner will receive an autographed photo
of
famous author Steven Kingly.

10. Betty and Jacob Rong have been driving west all night to meet their
aunt, Miss Takin, in California. They come to a highway that runs north
and south, and although their map shows that the shortest route would be
to the north, they go south.

11. A college student was told that his new roommate in the dorm would be
named Never. Distraught, he walks to the window, opens it, turns and says
"it's better this way," and leaps from the 21st floor to his death.

12. Kate felt rejected. "Linda, am I not your favorite companion?" "No,"
replied Linda, as she put on her diamond necklace, to go with her rings
and bracelets.

13. Christy's date took her to the Point, where she had to push him away
after he left teeth marks on her neck. After that, she did not have the
nerve to accept the invitations of either of the boys who
asked her to the prom; she claimed she had to wash her hair that night.

14. Eric used a 1 cent coupon at the grocery store. At work the next day,
he noticed a 1 cent raise on his paycheck.

15. Mark went to sleep at 7:00 PM, and got up at 3:00 AM the next
morning.
As a result, he was now in excellent physical shape, extremely rich, and
sagacious.



16. Farmer Brown told a prospective buyer that she would have 200
chickens
to sell him the next week. But when the buyer checked back, only 175 were
available. Brown miscalculated because she assumed some chicks would be
born by this time that turned out to still be in their shells.

17. A couple of truckers got together to work on their tax returns. One
said to the other "can you hand me that 1040?" The other did as
requested,
saying "104, pleasant friend!"

18. Juan's wife gave him an excellent new awl to use on his job. After a
couple of years of use, the tool was fairly worn out. Juan offered his
services for a day to a hardware store owner in exchange for a brand new
awl.

19. Officer O'Mally pulled up at the Brokenlamp Apartment Complex in
response to a call regarding a household disturbance. He went in, looking
for apartment 2B, where the disturbance had purportedly taken place. He
found an apartment from which loud voices could be heard, but there was
no
number on the door. An older man approached O'Mally, inquiring as to
whether he could be of any assistance. "Is or is not this 2B? That's what
I'm asking," said O'Mally.

20. Erica's two dogs are extremely unique. They are actually able to
speak
while they sleep, but nothing that they say is ever true. Erica has
considered taking her dogs to a canine psychologist to correct this
bizarre problem, but she figures that as long as they do not engage in
this behavior while they are awake, she won't make an issue of it.

Send in your answers (genehitz@juno.com), see who does best. We'll
publish the answers next month along with the top scorers.

===================================

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